GUEST WRITER, ABIMBOLA JUNAID WRITES ON THE TOPIC- ' 30 SOMETHING,SINGLE,LIVING ABROAD AND MARRIAGE! ( PART 1)
I am a life coach, but first and foremost human too.That emotional side of me showed when I read an email sent to me by a Miss A.A who had read my blog. She asked that I advice the 30 something year old singles(women)living abroad who desire marriage but aren't having much luck finding brothers(especially of same African background)!I take this request seriously and as a priviledge knowing that my opinion on here will be taken by someone out there and their decision which will determine their destiny about marriage will be based on this.
Early on, let me start by saying,I hold various views about this topic and as a result it may seem I am not giving a straight solution to the issue. There isn't one. But hopefully this will bring some enlightenment and help in making a clearer and purposeful search possible for the 30 something(s).In my opinion and from experience I think that what will determine your ability to find the person to marry will largely depend on your flexibility, tolerance level otherwise known as humility and your personal sense of what reality is, BECAUSE YOU WILL HAVE TO BE REALISTIC WITH YOUR SELF ON MANY ISSUES,STARTING WITH THIS.It may also apply to non africans, but I am talking about the 30 something year old African men and women now (AS REQUESTED).
If you are one that grew up in any of the African countries,(our cultural system is similar)you will be well accustomed to one of our beliefs; that men are to be worshipped, be it young or old. Do not be fooled, it is a deeply entrenched custom that a male child is superior to a female one, not minding the position of the son in the African family. Be he 1st child, last or only male and the more male children the merrier, you as a female is expected to treat him or them, like a king,heir,entitled than all the female children put together.
Our African men, through no fault of theirs, but true to type and this age long belief,expects a female( female here encompasses all that is not male regardless of the age, color, culture, education, tribe, wealth,class, achievement,blood ties or not,to nurture them and worship them.Now that may come in all ways and manners and highly evidenced in the character of most african male,not only grown up men(boys too), in their approach to the opposite sex,especially their african females.
Modernisation does not even change this belief,that is why, some of you already arguing with me(I know!)that” it is not all African men that is like that" are right. The men you know through their own deliberate renewing of their minds, exposure,maturity,experiences,background, religion,especially christianity,pentecostal teachings, enduring mothers who have stood to teach their sons differently from the norm which you now see as outcomes in these few men that you can point to as being caring,respectful and treating women as equals,doesn't change the fact that,the predominantly held notion still exist somewhere in the make up of even such a man though outwardly portrayed as laying dormant.
My second preamble is this, Westernisation, brings about human rights,women’s right and power, ladies you know what I am talking about, come on(lol).Westernization also brings about individuality in the form of self realisation and actualisation, it brings about the power of higher earnings,bigger visions and self made rules and self made lifestyle, which becomes your values and void of any cultural values or beliefs brought up with.
In the western world one can adequately live the life that they want without any consequence(s) and a fulfilling life too for that matter. All of this which isn't what Africaness stands for and not widely practiced as the order of the day in Africa, though some of these values have slipped through and its now a mixture of values even in Africa, but the African communities anywhere in the world, still holds some beliefs dear to its heart.The third preamble is that, men and women are different and that difference.......... TO BE CONTINUED.
Email me for a one to one if you've been affected by today's talk- thinkingbee@gmail.com or http://www.thinkingb.blogspot.com/
Chief Reporter's note:Abimbola Junaid is a human and business development coach based in the UK. She is the CEO of Complete Well Being Solutions.
Abimbola, it is surprising that in this age and time, a fellow woman would write that women are interior to men. It is high time we stopped validating the negative parts of the African culture. The African way of life that relegates women regardless of their age and social status must be condemned unequivocally. It is because of such ignorant statements that men still treat women with disdain and disrespect and women refuse to be motivated since they are "inferior" anyways. I am a happily married woman with children. I love and respect my man but I am not inferior to him and refuse to teach my children such gender biases!!!! The main reason why many women are not married is because there are more men than women!!!! It is even worse for African females living outside of their native countries because they meet more men that are not from their own cultural backgrounds and most African females want to marry a man from their country.
ReplyDeleteAndy
Its true dat our culture as africans doesn't allow a man or woman to remain single or somrtimes de r not too comfortable with d idea of marrying foreigners but dats life. De make it look like its a mortal sin to be single wen it isn't. Do de expect d old cave antics where u club a lady on d head n drag her to ur cave as ur wife? I tink everytin happens in good time. Life isnt how fast u got married but how well d marriage goes.
ReplyDeleteI will really like to know where u stand mi-lady.
ReplyDeleteAre you saying we shd give in to waht those men belief in so we can get someone to marry? Is marriage everything a woman need?
I am married and I am not inferior to my african man. He sees us as equal. He worships me and not the otherb way round though I love him deeply. I neither belief nor conform with this outdated beliefs. And if there is no man like the one I am married to other the sun, then to hell with marriage.
I will like to read your conclusion to know where you trully stand
This Abimbola chick is dealing with some serious insecurities. What are you talking about?! Niyi I don't this "Guest Writer" is working out, because you have well educated, civilized, indepedent and yet married women who visit your blog. Her idiology is so backward and embarrassing to people who think. We have come a long way as a people for this.
ReplyDeleteBTW, I am African married to an African man. I am his Queen and he is my King. I am not inferior to him and niether is he to me. He is the Man, I am the Woman. When we met, I was educated, independent, strong and yet woman. And he is man enough to appreciate that. Only little boy need an "inferior" woman to boost their ego.
Don't get me wrong, there is nothing in the world I love doing most that to cater to my husband. I cook for him, I clean, take care of our home and our lovely baby. All because I want to, I love that is what makes me and my family happy. Not because I am inferior to him.
To all "the 30 something" (whaever that means) Improve on yourself, stay true to who you are and never!!! settle for less. Trust me a real man will notice.
I am AA the 30 something year old single lady who initially posed the question to Ms Abimbola to seek advice cos i thought i'd hear good advice from a "professional" but i was quite surprised with your response and to to tell you the truth - most of what you (ms abimbola) said (IN ALL THREE LONG PARTS) did not make sense to me or did not apply.
ReplyDeleteThere was no heads, tail nor much balance to your long advice.
Your Long winded advice such as you stated;
[Quote] Take cooking classes on how to prepare your african dishes,learn about the african culture and learn to be accomodating and becoming set. Respect yourself, do not be loud, abrash, aggressive, troublesome,do it for yourself in the first place [/Quote]
You had me scratching my head thinking i hope this woman doesn’t "assume" i don’t have most of the qualities she is proposing i have.
Abeg what is this - so now one assume one is single cos they don’t have this or that quality. How about it’s simply Gods timing.
I was expecting to hear a better advice along these lines to encourage me, put God first or something like that, and thank God I got this from someone else and it summed it all up for me neat, nice and very to the point. THE BEST ADVICE I HAVE REALLY GOTTEN.
In conclusion to ya 3 part "ADVICE" by concluding (in Part 3): [Quote] Your opinion may differ from mine on these write up, I respect that[/Quote]
SO I HOPE YOU RESPECT THE ADVICE BELOW I HAVE CHOSEN TO HEED TO instead of your 3 part advice you gave me. And i also hope some of the single women on here heed to this beautiful advice below.
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This love story will begin long before you start dating the man God will send to you – “if” you love thyself first.
You should not only be hopeful that true love exists, you should be confident! You first have to understand that nothing exist outside of you that didn't already exist within you. That's why it is futile for you to look for love. How crazy is it to look for something that you already have?
You acknowledged the love that was already there inside you. You nurture it; feed it, allowed it to grow inside of you and when you have filled your self up with love, more will be added to you.
Take time off for you by going to the spa, vacation alone in a nice place etc, and just nurture your soul by reading, meditating and learning how to sit still. Have lots of quiet, alone time. All of this should be done, not in an effort to find a man or to find love. Just a time to yourself to be happy with yourself and content with where God has you right now.
Instead of sitting down to always pray and talk to God, sometimes you can keep your mouth shut and sit down to pray by “LISTENING” (meditating) because frankly, there is nothing you could tell God that He didn't already know, so just let Him do all the talking..
You want to see love? Show love.
You want to get love? Give love.
You want to feel love? Express love.
You will wake up one day and find that you are surrounded by love.
The love of family, the love of friends and the love of a good man.
From AA
(USA)
ps: Ms abimbola, thanks for alllllllllll that your 3 part advice, but no thanks. I think i like this other advice from another person better. Sorry for even asking you in the first place.
And last thing I’m just curious are you a Christian cos i am just surprise in your long winded 3 part response you didn’t mention once about getting in tuned with God or prayers or meditation.
I learn everyday and i have now learnt that, God writes the best love story - not human beings. When i put him first all will be added onto me.
Thank you Ms Thinking Bee.
I must be catching on rather late into this interesting conversation. However, I do agree with Andy's comment posted July 6th 08 3:50pm. I would also add that I am also married with a child(son) and hope to change these negative view with my son about how women should be treated. Thank God that my husband is different. I would like to read on your conclusion before giving my final comment on this matter. I would also say that I believe that it is time that African women in any part of the world identify themselves in personal accomplishments rather than on having a man/husband then maybe African men that are traditional in their beliefs may change their ways and dare I say come to look at Women as their equal.
ReplyDeletebut pple, did u read this woman's intro properly? She said she held different views.Plus her write up to me seem to be a discourse analysis,where by u start by analyising the the origin of a problem,then go on to talk about the development so far and then ending it with a recommendation. Which you can either take or leave,but you can't say an analysis is wrong.
ReplyDeleteWhat me i have learnt from the write up be that deep view into why some african men behave the way they do and knowing that now will not leave me frustrated with them again but understand where they are coming from without compromising my own belief.
Penny Dime.JOS ,NIGERIA.